


Homophobic Asshole Dragon

by norabombay



Category: Fail Fandom Anon, Merlin (TV)
Genre: Crack, M/M, de-anon, dragon gives terrible advice, fail_fandomanon, historical accuracy was never an option, homophobic dragon, should magical healing cock be capitalized?, slash dragon hates slash?, they have good cable in camelot, this may be a commentary on another work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-30
Updated: 2011-12-30
Packaged: 2017-10-28 11:43:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/307522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/norabombay/pseuds/norabombay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As it turns out, the Great Dragon is not the Slash Dragon, but rather a very judgmental homophobe. Who gets HBO. They have good cable packages in Camelot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Homophobic Asshole Dragon

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!" the Great Dragon roared. In front of him Merlin, the funny eared human who should quit with the red neckerchiefs, and Arthur, the shiny metal human, were smashing their mouths together. Arthur was backed up against the rock wall of the cave, Merlin's hands buried in his clothing.

"Um, kissing?" was the reply once Merlin's mouth was dragged free.

The Great Dragon was quite familiar with human sexuality as he had an excellent cable package. HBO, Showtime, and Stars served to liven his long captivity. He'd quite enjoyed Boardwalk Empire, and Game of Thrones had been excellent until the final few highly unrealistic minutes. 

"MERLIN! WHEN I TOLD YOU THAT YOU WERE EACH OTHERS’ DESTINY, I DIDN'T MEAN FOR YOU TO FUCK HIM!" The Dragon tired of using his command voice, "You are supposed to help Arthur rule the kingdom, ensure that he impregnates his half sister, and make sure that he doesn't leave any legitimate heirs. He will become a legend in all of Britain. NOWHERE in this plan are you supposed to do this kind of gay shit." 

"I love Merlin! And no prophecy-spouting dragon will tear us apart. We are each others’ destiny, and that destiny is love. I refuse to let a judgmental dragon destroy what we have together!" Arthur had stepped out from behind Merlin, and was raising the great sword Excalibur with menace in his eyes.

The Great Dragon was not worried, what with being three hundred times the size of Arthur, and also the fire-breathing thing. 

"The god of a religion that will not come to Britain for several hundred years declares that marriage is between Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. I expect you two to stop right now with these unnatural homosexual behaviors. Arthur, go fuck your sister. And Merlin, go do something with cattle, I don't care. Just not this gay shit." The Great Dragon trundled off, his message sent. He was just in time to catch a repeat of Dexter. 

Back on the ledge, Arthur and Merlin just looked at each other. 

"So, what the fuck was that, Merlin?" Arthur had confusion in his eyes. "Cattle? Really?"

"He kept going on about you fucking your sister. I think I got off lucky," was Merlin's reply.

"As your Prince, I command you to leave this place and come upstairs with me. I can think of only one way to get the bitter trauma of being yelled at for our sexuality out of my mouth".

"Blowjobs?"

"Even better: magical healing cock. Let me heal all that ails you."

The next day, having had a lot of very gay sex, Merlin and Arthur retaliated by cutting off the Dragon's cable package. No more premium channels for homophobic asshole dragons.

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted here: http://fail-fandomanon.livejournal.com/25729.html?thread=112470657#t112470657
> 
> As a note, apparently the Arthurian era post dates the arrival of Christianity to Brittan. Given that the Great Dragon has HBO, we can safely say historical accuracy was never an option.
> 
> Written in the spirit of great crack, and as a commentary on the great wank of Yuletide 2011. Consider it a Lord King Badfic.
> 
> There may yet be a sequel.


End file.
